


Curse of knowledge

by BodhiTree



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Depression, F/M, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 06:12:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18794578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BodhiTree/pseuds/BodhiTree
Summary: Stephen Strange is going through the worse form of guilt after watching Tony die.





	Curse of knowledge

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop thinking of Avengers's Endgame and especially the toll it must have had on Stephen. I think that kind of power and knowledge is a curse.
> 
> For now this is a one-shot, but if inspiration strikes will add on.
> 
> I am not a native English speaker. So any mistakes, forgive me :)
> 
> I am a huge fan of the ship Stephen Strange and Tony Stark. For me those two make a lot of sense. Also I love Pepper and Tony.
> 
> Lots of angst ahead.

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Thunder rumbled in the evening sky with a whisper of rain. Dull grey skies covered the New York skyline. The Sanctum was shrouded in darkness. Stephen was sitting on the staircase, leaning against one of the stair’s many balusters, a now cold cup of tea clutched in his shaking hands. His usually sharp focused eyes seemed dull as he sat staring at the falling droplets sticking to the sanctum’s round window. Everything seemed too loud or too quiet at the same time. He absently took a sip of his tea and grimaced and just set it aside and stood up and walked down towards the Death Chamber. Again. 

The chamber was one of Sanctum’s many mysteries. It was the oldest room, built much before the sanctum itself. Not only was the name a giveaway, the feeling one felt when they even neared it was downright eerie. Uncaring, Stephen again took the now familiar path and was in front of the ancient door. He pushed upon the weathered handle and entered, and the door slowly shut behind him again. A single tiny lamp at the centre illuminated the elliptical chamber. 

 

“Back again so soon..” a voice called from one of the shadowy corners. “What, can’t get enough of me Strange..”. The voice mocked.  
Initially Stephen ignored it. He took his time to remove the thin sweater he wore and slowly approached the voice and he looked at Tony standing against the wall, Tony held an arrogant and slightly cruel smirk on his face as he looked at Stephen. “Oh, now he looks at me. How do you even find it in you Stephen to come down here, again and again and be humiliated? Did not know that you didn’t even have a sense of shame in you. Where is your self-respect Strange? Where is that god damn ego which I witnessed on the space ship.”

Stephen just stood there, taking it in. His neck was slowly heating up and his lips slightly trembled. But he refused to look away from Tony’s uncharacteristic cruel eyes. He deserved this. Stephen thought. “Doctor Stephen Strange, world famous Neurosurgeon, Sorcerer Supreme and a Murderer...” Tony’s harsh voice was now an angry hiss. Tony clutched Stephen’s grey T-Shirt and yanked him closer and continued in a harsh whisper, their faces a breath away. “You saved me so you could kill me at the right moment. You murdered a father of a small child.” Stephen closed his eyes at that moment as he couldn’t take it in. He was now shaking and his heart was beating so fast he was sure it would escape out of his chest. Tears had finally escaped and his throat had clogged up. He tried to speak..”Ton..ny. . I..” before he could say another word, he had been pushed back. Hard. He sprawled on the ground as Tony came near and started circling his form. “You are cruel Strange. Unworthy. Selfish. Cold hearted murderer.”.. a slight pause.. “I think you deserve to die. Wong can take care of the Sanctum. Christine has moved on. Who is going to miss you Strange. You have no one. Why don’t you kill yourself. It’s the most respectful thing you can do right now, the only redeemable thing. Should I do the honour or would you?..hmm..” Stephen was now curled into a ball, eyes tightly shut, sobbing with no sound. 

That’s when the door swung open with a bang and Wong found him. Alone and pathetically crying on the ground. Sighing, Wong held his arm and made him stand up and walked him out of the chamber and into the Sanctum’s measly kitchen. He quickly made two cups of steaming English tea and gave a cup to Stephen’s shaking hands. 

Wong started speaking. “Stephen, you can’t keep doing this. It’s been weeks. This guilt is going to kill you. It’s already killing you. Stark..”Stephen froze at his name, but Wong continued.. “Stark chose this. He chose to do the snap and save countless beings. There was no other way you or anyone could have prevented it. We are not Gods Stephen, although we possess some higher than average powers. And you need to give yourself some credit. You went through, potentially many hundreds of years’ worth of time and looked through millions of possibilities. This was the only way. In fact you gave Tony a second chance in life. Gave him a short time of true happiness and peace. Again I will say, this.was.not.your.fault”

Stephen had now stopped crying as his words washed over him. His senses had now dulled as he sat there numb.

“What you are doing to yourself is downright torture. You are conjuring a Tony and making him torture you. Hurt you at your weakest spots. The real Tony would never do this and you know it. He was a kind man and a brave one, always ready to sacrifice himself. Not dissimilar to you in fact. How many times did you die on that planet when fighting Dormammu! Give yourself credit Stephen. You enabled this. Saved half the universe. Stark would never have blamed you. You shouldn’t either.”

Finally Stephen looked at Wong and some of his words trickled into his numb brain. Medically he knew he was going through the worst form of guilt and depression. He had to live with this guilt. He had Tony’s death on his hands although it was not really his fault. He had tried to prevent it by looking at as many futures as possible, but this was the only future where Tony had got some sort of happiness and they had won too. He tried to pacify his mind by finding some positivity. Natasha Romanov was not truly dead. She had come back alive with Steve Rogers, once he had returned the soul stone. 

But Tony...God..

He had fallen in love with Tony. It was not the shallow love which faded with time. It was eternal. Encompassing. It was a love filled with immeasurable respect, pride and affection. With each future he saw, more it grew. Stephen vividly remembered his smile and his warm intelligent eyes. He remembered him at his happiest moments. When he spent his time with his daughter, showing off his many gadgets to her, tucking her in bed. He saw him kiss Pepper everyday as she left for work. Countless moments, each which simultaneously broke Stephen’s heart and filled it with joy. 

Tony deserved to be alive. He deserved to be with his wife and child. He deserved to be running all over the world saving people. He deserved to invent impossible things. He deserved to be happy. 

Stephen suddenly knew what to do.

 

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Well that's it folks.  
Unless I think of a next chapter, I am leaving it here. Sorry for the angst. It was slightly cathartic to me.


End file.
